An Open Letter to Bustle Magazine: Labeling me a "Plus-sized bride" is a Feminism Fail

I've been trying to think of a way to address what it was like having our wedding go viral...and therefore being opened up to millions of people, several thousand of whom commented on articles and reddit posts, messaged me through facebook or twitter, or shared our story with their friends and followers. Most of the comments were overwhelmingly positive and wished us a happy life together. However, there were also hundreds of comments attacking my weight, backhanded comments saying that my dress was lovely, but should have had sleeves to cover my big fat arms, or assuming that my new husband is either gay or a fat fetishist.

It's this last part that has really riled me up, both as someone working to get fit and as someone who thinks there is a difference in calling out fatlogic and actively hating fat people. On a personal level, I really can't imagine being with someone who viewed me purely as an object that fulfilled his fantasies, so to have people assume this is the only reason my husband married me was so offensive. Attack me, attack my weight, fine, I'll deal with that, I'm working on it and that's all I can do in this moment. Imply that my husband could not possible love me while I am fat unless he loved me because I am fat? Oh hell no.

I am not a fat activist, and frankly, most of the time I find people who advocate for staying at an unhealthy (and often painful) weight to be terrible, however, when several friends recently linked me to an article written by a "fat bride", it helped me to put my finger on what was bothering me about the negative comments we received. On my wedding day I felt completely loved, by my friends, family, and most importantly my husband. I felt just as loved as I do every other day with my husband, who may encourage me to stick with plans that *I* have made, but who does not shame me when I have set backs or decide that we haven't had ice cream or cake in six months and that dammit, it's okay to treat ourselves without feeling like we've committed some terribly, unforgivable sin, even if we are in public and people will be forced to see a fat girl eat a slice of cake.

I have also never felt more beautiful, more loved, or more like I deserved the happiness I have finally found than I did on my wedding day. So I was grateful to my friends for sharing this story and helping me put into words why the attention has been both lovely and painful, but mostly lovely. I will stop apologizing to others for not being the bride they thought I should be, and I will also try to stop cringing when I see a photo where my double chin shows or where my arms aren't perfectly smooth. I am okay with who I am, and while I will continue to aim for a healthier weight and will always try to be the best version of myself, I will not fall into the trap of thinking that on my wedding day I should have been something other than the woman who loved Andy completely and was glad to tie my story to his.

It was while discussing the "fat bride" article with friends that I discovered that Bustle Magazine had also shared the story of my wedding dress with their readers, under the headline: Plus Size Bride Tania Jennings Spent Over 1000 Hours Crocheting Her Dream Wedding Dress. Suddenly, the conversation about our wedding was no longer about crocheting and our big giant love, it was about the size of my body and the criticisms of internet trolls.

When a friend shared my disappointment with a co-worker of the the article's author, I received an email expressing their sorrow at "misrepresenting" our story. I have no doubt that the article was initially written because the author and editors at Bustle found inspiration in my dress and thought it was beautiful. However, it is their inability to understand why we were upset about the way the article was framed that prompted my response, which I will share in its entirety here:

Dear Bustle,

I have several issues with this article, so I am going to try to take some time to articulate them, as my husband nearly shot off a very angry email last night and it took me a while to get him calmed down. We took a *lot* of time to talk about your article last night, so much of this will be the product of that conversation.

We have been so appreciative of the many journalists around the world who have found our story and have tried to share it. Many reached out to us directly, hoping to find some new bit to add, to clarify timelines, or to find a way to make it relevant to their country or readers. Bustle did none of those things. Instead, you used our story and then tacked on an agenda about plus sized brides and the perils of finding a dress at a certain size, when the truth is that none of those issues are relevant to our story.

It was *never* my intention to wear a white wedding dress, as ours was not a white wedding. My grown daughters walked me down the aisle to give me away to my new husband. It is not that I could not have found a store made wedding dress had I wanted. I may be plus-sized, but I'm in the 18/20 range and live half an hour from London, my size was not a factor and would not have deterred me even if it had been.

The fact is that I never looked at nor tried on a single dress because I already knew the dress I wanted...and then when I decided to make my own I used a little bit of that dress (a purple Mexican Quinceanera dress) as inspiration. So to have it assumed or implied that it took me 1000 hours *because* I was a fat bride or that I made the dress in the first place because I didn't want to be humiliated in a bridal shop completely misses the point and is a fabrication of the facts. I would have spent the same amount of time making the lace were I a size 4 because it is delicate, time consuming work, but work that in the end I thought I deserved as a gift to myself and my husband.

I made my dress because I dislike white. I abhor machine-made lace because it is flat and repetitive. It was very important to me that I cover up my tattoos, so a strapless gown was not an option. We have a friend who is a costumer and helped me design my underdress as her present to us, so I took her up on it. My husband loves purple and asked me to use darker colours (I initially began the dress in only pale lavender and silver) so I would match his vest on our wedding day.

It is the hijacking of my story, which is one of love and craftiness and instead labeling me as a "plus sized bride" that angers me. Yes, I am overweight, but my weight does not define me, nor our love story. To me, this is akin to referring to Patrick Stewart as a bald actor. It is rude and irrelevant. I am also appalled by the line about wanting to avoid looking like a "mountain of taffeta". *head desk*

The other part of this is that Bustle took their cues from the hateful comments section on the original ABC article and made my weight the focal point of the story. You let the narrative be swayed by the ugliness that questioned my style choices and implied that I ought to have hid my fat arms or spent that 1000 hours at the gym. By identifying me as a plus sized bride in the headline of your article you have turned my wedding day into a political statement and though I do believe this was unintentional, you have completely failed at the feminism Bustle claims to strive for. You have opened my marriage up to both fat activists and their critics (it will likely disappoint you to learn I am in the latter category) and have played right into the hands of those trolls who wanted to turn my wedding into an excuse to question why my super attractive husband would choose me.

Instead of contacting me directly, Bustle put forward what my husband and I initially joked would be the worst case scenario to having our story go viral. Instead of writing that you had no way of knowing if I had looked at other dresses, you could have simply asked. Instead the article reads as though my dress were an act of sheer desperation in a world where fat brides are left sobbing in dressing rooms of bridal boutiques before running home to drown their sorrows in a bowl of Ben & Jerry's.

I too am at a loss as to how this article could be rewritten because it is not my story, it is your story and it is Bustle's story. My story is of a dress made with love and worn as I walked down the aisle with my daughters holding my arms, and then marrying my best friend in the church where our great grandparents worshiped nearly two hundred years ago. The entire agenda was love and I'm afraid that Bustle completely missed the mark.

Sincerely,
Tania & Andy

It should also be noted that Bustle was not the only magazine to run the story with this particular bent. Venus Diva  did the same thing a day before the Bustle article appeared, and while equally framed to suggest that I may have had no alternative (they didn't ask either), they are at least a site that specializes in plus-sized fashion blog prone to BuzzFeed style ripping off of articles from other sites. They make no pretense that they generate original content or, you know, fact check, but at least focused on the process of making the dress rather than attempting to make sweeping statements about the wedding industry.

Later that day...I did receive a response from Bustle and the article was updated (using quotes from the above blog post) and the extra bits about the wedding industry in general have been removed.

My name is Marie Southard Ospina and I'm an Associate Fashion and Beauty Editor at Bustle.com. I oversaw the publication of the following post by Jodie Layne:

http://www.bustle.com/articles/98321-plus-size-bride-tania-jennings-spent-over-1000-hours-crocheting-her-dream-wedding-dress

We stumbled upon your story via Daily Venus Diva, and interpreted it from the perspective of a writer and editor whose work is rooted in body positivity, size acceptance, and plus fashion. Jodie and I were excited to celebrate the gown you created and share it with our readers. The last thing we ever wanted to do was hijack your story, and reading your open letter to us, you raise some very important points. I hear you.

I am truly sorry that in highlighting the "plus" angle of the story, we detracted from your story. Scandalizing your story in any way was never our intention. I realize that sometimes, intention doesn't matter. The headline was changed, and I will update our post to include more of your truth, as outlined in your open letter, as opposed to ours.

***

Thank you so much for your prompt response this morning. I've updated the post and truly hope it's more in keeping with your story. If you wouldn't mind giving it a read through when you have some time, that'd be much appreciated. Of course, please let me know if there are any other tweaks you'd like us to make. 

http://www.bustle.com/articles/98321-bride-tania-jennings-spent-over-1000-hours-crocheting-her-dream-wedding-dress

Apologies again for putting this article out there with an angle that you weren't comfortable with. But we really do appreciate your willingness to get the post to a better place.